instagram & a link

i found out this morning that the harddrive of the ol' computer can not be saved. i don't care about the computer, however, quite a few tears have shed today thinking of all the photos that are gone. hazel & anders baby pics, videos of firsts (like walking), Ukraine pictures, & a lot more heartbreaking things like that. I'll get over it & go crazy tracking down twitter & facebook pictures & stalking my aunt for the pictures she took of very important days:: the day hazel was born, the day anders was born, the day lena came home. without a computer to load pictures onto, i have put away the real camera. since I began mothering by taking a million pictures of eliot, and due to a strange constant feeling that I will forget these chaotic days as soon as they pass...i must snap pics of my little ones. so, thank you, instagram, for filling in... my phone has acted as a great substitute.
below are some fun ones from lately but before checking those out, please please check out this link!

this is the blog of lena's speech therapist, who is not only one of my heros, but is also one of my favorite people. she has God's heart for the weak & marginalized in Ukraine & she heads back over there next week. please read this & give support to these remarkable women as they travel so far from home to be the hands & feet of Jesus to beautiful children...support them with your prayers or pocketbooks or encouraging comments on their blog or anyway you can think:)

Amy's blog

R.I.P.

it was bound to happen eventually because it's all gonna burn, ya know, & yesterday it did. the computer. it died. so there i was being the good little keeper of my home & i decided to vacuum. it's plot & overall story are sort of a blur, but the characters were the vacuum cord, a full mug of coffee & and an open computer. rosi golan went from her smooth whispery voice singing out of the white box to a techno-slur & the screen went blue & now it's gone. no amount of striving can get it back. i'll find out soon enough if any pictures or music will be saved.
it's a very "cup is half full" sort of thing to say, but this can only be good. stuff is just stuff and it's good to be reminded of that. today, instead of rosi, i'll just sing to my kids.
goodbye computer.

my momma

i have no memory of her complaining...about anything.  she raised all four of us with such a steadfast love, day in & day out, caring for four lives & all the mess that comes with that... but i have no memory of her complaining.
and i never wondered...i never wondered if she loved me.  it poured out of her every action & as a child you may not see the things that God brings into focus with time...after all this time it's as clear as crystal.    she is a servant-momma.  the kind that will work her fingers to the bone for you without flinching or thinking twice.  
she gives.  she gives all she has, but she never loses herself.
she loves my daddy well & honors him & in doing so, she has mothered us so well.
she is a strong woman.  i have never heard her say "i can't do that".
she has weathered the storms of adversity & all 4 of us making bad decisions & learning this gig called life with grace.  she has let us fail & has never failed us.
it's hard sometimes mothering now, my lena, hazel & anders, with her as the example.  she just was toooooo good.  and here's the kicker....she still is.

i pounded my thumb against the dryer & almost lost my lunch from the pain.  "ohhhhh, i'm okay, i'm okay", i said as little eyes looked quite concerned up at me.  anders said "you okay, momma?  you okay?"  and hazel, being so very hazel, looks at the situation for a while.  sizing up what happened & piecing together her conclusion.  eventually, she says
"does it hurt?".  yes, hazel, it does.
"well, you just need your momma".

and she was right.  you just always need your momma & i just happen to have one that is awesome.

and now, there are more of us that experience all her awesome.  they call her nona.  she whispers in lena's ear softly while rubbing her hair, she reads to hazel & acts silly with her, she chases anders & roughhouses with him.  they love her.  because just like me, they never wonder...they know she loves them.

happy mothers day, momma.  there aren't enough hours in the day to write all that i could here.  but this will have to do for now:)  i love you so.

four

lena has been home almost four months.  she was was in the orphanage 4 years & she has only been home four months.  in so many ways it seems like she has always been here. 

december 17, 2011

only 4 months later, april 25, 2012

she is remarkable.  she continues to amaze us with how smart she is, with how much she is learning, with how opinionated she is, with how mysterious she can be, with big tears & with loud laughs.
a friend just last night saw her pick her own cup up at the table & start chugging down some apple juice all on her own & said "whoa, is that new right? isn't that amazing?"...yes, yes it is.
many folks have been asking us how she's doing.  "she's doing great" is my very honest & very generic answer.  it's a hard question to answer because i scaling how my children are doing is the path to crazy.  observing & discerning is wise but gauging can be dangerous.
is hazel good today?  is anders alright?  how is lena? am i doing enough? are they doing enough?
instead, i hope to wake up each day & think about how God has a great plan for each of their lives & rejoice that i get to be a part today.  oh Lord, may i only be a conduit of Your grace, love & Your growing these little ones.

with all that disclaimer, here is a lena 4 month update.  it is extensive because i want to remember... and anywhere that is says "we", i am talking about these incredible women & matt & i.

• isms::  many of lena's mannerisms are a product of her environment for the last 4 years.  little to no stimulation in a child causes them to find other ways to sort of "entertain" themselves.  lena's big thing is her eyes. she rubs & touches her eyes.  when she first got home we started to say "soft hands" & rub her hands to replace the action of her playing with her eyes with interaction with us.  now she is so familiar with this phrase, that we can mostly just say "soft hands" & she will stop by herself.  she also will stomp her feet & bang her hands.  she likes the sound & it is what she does when she is inward & to herself...which, is all she's known.  so, we are constantly attempting to draw her out, to interact & allow her to get comfortable with interacting.  days where she is more tired, this is more difficult.  but little by little, she will lock eyes, respond to us & engage us.  it's slow, but she is learning & i am so proud of her.  

• eating::   lena has had to learn to eat & drink from scratch.  before she was with us, she had all food & drink through a large metal spoon.  she was never taught how to close her lips around that spoon, so feeding time was not a time that she was actively involved in.  pretty much she just sat there & gravity mixed with a weak swallow got it all down & much of it would pour down her chin.  so, one of the first things the speech therapist started with was feeding & strength in her mouth.  lena started closing her lips around a sippy cup the second day she was with us & out of the orphanage.  then, few months ago, like right here, she started to hold & drink her from that cup.  at that time we had the stopper out of the sippy cups because she couldn't suck very well & now she has stoppers in all her cups!  she also started with closing her lips around a kid-size spoon.  it used to take anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes to feed lena a meal....teaching her (wrestling her) to open her mouth when we said "bite" & then she only ate (spit out) pureed consistencies.  now, we are at about 15-20 minutes a meal, which means she eats in about the same time frame as the rest of the family & she opens her mouth on her own when the spoon is close & doesn't spit food out & this is miraculous & this is wonderful in ways you just can't imagine unless you are me...feeding her 3 meals a day & 2 snacks a day. it is wonderful, wonderful! she's moved past pureed to thicker things & she'll eat pretty much anything we are eating, but just mashed up.  she loves peanut butter & jelly sandwiches (mashed up), macaroni & cheese (this doesn't have to be mashed at all...go lena!), cereal bars mashed with applesauce or mashed bananas, & mashed potatoes, & last night she had a huge helping of baked chicken cut up real small mixed with green beans, also cut very small.  most of the time she just rolls the food around in her mouth then swallows, but she has started to actively chew!  2 or 3 solid bites in a row.  

• talking::  lena &made some noises when we were with her in the orphanage & when we brought her home.  the most sounds she made at first were laughing when we tickled her:)  now, she makes babbling noises....mmmmm, du,du,du,du, ahhhhhh, lu,lu,lu.  however, the noises aren't near as exciting as seeing her purposefully communicate!  she can sign "yes" & "drink" & every now & then "all done" & "more" & "please".  she is learning to identify objects & is doing so great.  her speech therapist, amy, will hold a book & a toy she really wants & says to lena: "grab the book" (even though she really wants the toy") & lena will indeed grab the book.  she knows "book" & "ball" &...you ready for this modern gal..."mom's phone".  especially if classical music is playing.  they are working on commands like "put in" & "take out" using toys & a bucket.  we say "turn page" when reading her a book & she does it probably 70% of the time & are just starting "no".  and my personal favorite has started regularly happening in the last 2 weeks.  i'll get close to her face & say "kiss momma" & sure enough, she'll pucker & lean her head close to kiss me.  there are no words for how great this is.  now, she doesn't do all these things 100% of the time.  

• walking::  lena's physical therapist is constantly working on strength, balance, and much much more.  they are doing side stepping, where she'll stand holding onto her crib & step side to side.  we're also working on transitions...going from laying down to standing in a way that is lena doing it instead of me just lifting her.  her physical therapist & occupational therapist work on her in a crawl position & for the longest time if she got in a crawl position, it was too uncomfortable to her & her arms were too weak so she would duck her head & just collapse her arms.  now she will definitely stay in that crawl position & she even started rocking in it...like wanting to crawl:) and then there is lena in her walker.  she's a stud (when she wants to be:))...if she doesn't feel like walking then she just stops & slumps down.  but, if she does feel like walking, she rocks it out!!! like this:

• seeing::  we have visited an eye doctor in st louis twice that is helping us with lena's vision.  her eyes point outward, causing her to see 2 seperate images, instead of focusing on anything in particular.  she will have surgery to try to correct this or make it as close to correct as they can get.  she is also nearsited & we fitted her for glasses the other day.  these are just for sizing & they are blue, but hers will be grey.  

how cute is that?  she's so hipster.

• playing::  occupational therapy does a lot of teaching lena to play.  her hands weren't strong enough to hold a toy when she first got home, which makes it hard to hold & play.  her hands & arms are still very weak & this will be a long process.  she would throw, throw, throw everything you tried to get her to play with.  she still does.  i just picked my phone up off the floor.  however, i remember giving her the toy back over & over & over.  then just yesterday, she sat cross-legged on the carpet.  very upright & played with a toy that makes music & lights up (her favorite!).  i expected to go back & forth many times & then realized it had been 15 minutes & she had not thrown the toy!  this is amazing.  now, i'm going to pick my phone up off the floor again.  one of her occupational therapy sessions is up at the clinic & they have a sensory room.  it's dark & quiet with really cool lights & colors & soft textures & it is the epitome of lena's happy place.  she LOVES it!! 

here she is with abby.  not long after this picture was taken, she was smashing her nose against that tube of lights & bubbles:)

• sleeping::  for most of her life, lena was laying down.  5 years of this can make learning a normal sleep cycle very difficult.  days when lena has slept well the night before are really uneventful, great days.  but about 3 nights a week she wakes up in the middle of the night & doesn't know how to get back to sleep.  she turns her head from side to side or kicks her legs.  last night she did this from about 1 to 2:30am.  some days she'll get up at 3am & be up...for the day.  it is getting better & better but the days where she hasn't slept will be more difficult days...meaning she cries very easily because she's so tired & if you've seen lena cry then you know it's very sad.  i now know she is just tired because she doesn't do this when she has slept.  it has taken about all of the last 4 months to learn this:)  but, we are getting there & now there are more nights in a week that she sleeps than she doesn't & we are thankful for that.

• stuff::

the equipment fellas from action seating & mobility came to the house a few weeks ago & fitted lena for all new equipment that will be just for her size, needs, etc.  the picture above is of mike...he went on the TEAMworks trip in october & actually met lena in ukraine, so it was amazing to have him in our home with her HERE!  we have some hand-me-downs that are working great for now & they helped me learn more about our existing equipment.  it was exciting to talk about our house & lena & figure out the perfect things for her needs.  we ordered a new stander, wheelchair (that she may be able to eventually propel herself) & walker.  

amazing friends who are also ridiculously talented

i always have these grand ideas to post about my friends....  deep & meaningful posts about how these really really phenomenal women are actually my friends & how they are so great that i get insecure when i think about how just how great they are & i just wait around for them to open their eyes one day & say:

"ginny? why am i friends with her when i am so awesome".  

but they don't do that, they aren't like that.

instead they do things like tell me happy birthday & make a big deal out of it being my birthday on april 27, when i was actually born on october 27.  october 27 is when we said goodbye to eliot, so that will not be a day i'll want a birthday.  so i look at these women and tell them through confusion & grief that i just want my half birthday to be my real birthday.  so they send me text messages saying "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" & give me earrings over coffee & take me to dessert & bake brownies & show up with lunch & their kids & gifts & cupcakes & Jesus.  

at eliot's funeral, when matt left my side to go up front & speak, my friends stepped up & surrounded me & i felt safe...i felt like it would be okay because if my knees buckled, our arms were locked & they wouldn't let me fall.  

it has felt that way ever since.  they live with me as i live with the ache of missing eliot.  then through having hazel & bedrest with anders & dreaming of lena then being gone so long to ukrraine & now in all the adjustments & newness of having lena home....they lock arms with me.  

and ya know what?  i lock arms with them, too. 

all of my friends are talented in different & wonderful ways.  2 in particular are ridiculously talented in home creativity & decor...& when i tell them they need to make a living doing this stuff & that they could be big-time they both laugh in my face.  while we were away in ukraine they finished up many projects in my home.  here are just a few of all the wonderful things they put together for us while we were away.  heather & sarah, laugh all you want, but you are GOOD at what you do!

they re-did all of our shelves...i wish i had a before picture, but trust me they didn't look near this awesome.

more work on the shelves & sarah made 2 of those 3 pillows.

carpet samples & pictures in our hallway.  seriously, how cool is this?!

a closer look

anders curtains.

black curtains with nav/blue/cream accent & red garage hooks for tie-back.

anders book shelves

these are tissue paper flowers i had at hazel's birthday party in october & i was about to throw them away when heather said "aren't you gonna do something fun with them?"...to which i said "aren't YOU gonna do something fun with them?":)  so she did.

a few fam photos

hazel still loves to crawl in lena's crib with her in the mornings...obviously Lena likes it too. pretty cute stuff.  

and on the topic of hazel, somewhere along the way of life she has decided that if i am trying to take a picture of her then she is supposed to "pose"...as is usual with H, this is her own doing.

like everything with lena is mystery that we are unraveling...this includes her hair!  in case you were wondering, the grown out buzz cut is hard to fix.  i had tried to pull it out of her face a little & she pulled the bow out & it ended up looking so rockstar.  eat your heart out nashville.

"look mom, H-A-Z-E-L & balloons, not 99 though"

so, i laid these 2 down to change their diapers...all assembly line like.  anders had a dirty one & we looked over & this is what lena is doing.  you just can't make this stuff up!  we all laughed so hard!

________________________________________________________

 took the whole fam to big creek a few weeks ago. it was lena's first trip to the cabin & she did great!  H & A loved all the anticipation & build up to lena's first cabin trip...H kept saying "oh lena, you're gonna love it" & A kept saying "ranger, ranger, ranger".

who doesn't love a hammock

the ranger is a hit with all three.  lena loves the noise it made & every bump makes her grin huge.

 posing:)

the boys

everyone loves the cabin but anders is completely in his element there.  he played in the sand by the creek, threw rocks in the creek, pretended to be fishing, rode in the ranger anytime he could & still days later keeps saying "ranger, i rode the ranger"

eleven

he took me to a place called the chocolate bar for dessert.  the waitress explained some things on the menu & then he said boldy "that one, that's the one she's gonna want".  

he was right.  he knows me well.  well enough to know that as good as the warm brownie with cinnamon ice cream & caramel sauce sounds, i will want the molten chocolate cake with coffee ice cream & hot fudge.  

eleven years will do that to you.  you can order chocolate for your wife.  getting out to be alone, to have a nice dinner & actually celebrate by eating that chocolate is harder because it's not just you & he anymore, it's you & he & she & she & he.  but the ordering, the knowing, it's easier & you can order chocolate for your wife.  you can talk for hours.  you can sit in silence for a while.  with goldfish crumbs stuck to the bottom of your feet & milk spilt on the kitchen table, you can glance across the house, in all it's disarray, and smile knowing that it is our disarray.  you can laugh & have fun.  you can take grace & give grace because you've learned that this exchange is where true love really lives...no other home will suffice.  

in mississippi in 2001,we couldn't have imagined what life would be like 11 years later.  we stood & said we would follow God together & He has taken to places sweet & unique & deep & difficult & wonderful.  overwhelmed with gratefulness that He gave me a husband like matt mooney!  happy anniversary.

st louis dinner...yes, we ate at a place called eleven eleven mississippi on the 11th anniversary of our wedding date that took place in mississippi:)

st louis dessert.

so the chocolate bar gives you a little soft chocolate cookie before right when you sit down.  that's my kinda place!